Wow listening to the old play list I made after we broke up. Hard to imagine, when i made it, that we would be where we are today. I don’t think you understand what you did when you left. Everyday you look at me and sometimes you say you know im scared but you have no idea. You can’t see the core.
I try not to think about it but everyday i make an effort to push it out of my mind. Everytime you hold me or kiss me or smile or speak in that little adorable voice with what seems like such sincerity. I don’t get it and I don’t know if I will ever believe the words that come from your mouth bc once i did and i suffered for two years. I realize I made my mistakes, but i never pushed you away. I never gave up on you. For two years I never set eyes on you after seeing you everyday for so long. For two years I blamed myself for everything and showed you time after time that I was sorry. For two years I waited for an acknowledgement that you made mistakes too. For two years you let me. You finally came back, said a few word, touched my hand a few times and i fell into your lap without hesitation.
You say you have matured and have seen your mistakes but i can’t help but think I was just what was there. I can’t help but think you threw a bone and nobody jumped like I did and that’s why I have you back. I can’t help but think that’s why I have this ring on my finger. I don’t want to be an option…I wanna be a choice. Maybe i just always instinctivly search for pain but this heartache never left. Still to this day you won’t admit that she was a huge influence on why you left. It’s so sad that as close as you claim to feel toward me you can’t just admit it baby. That’s all I want. I remembered so much the second I saw her face like how you claim you waited for me while I was in Colorado yet you talked about her literally every time I called you. She was all I heard about. I still remember how you went on about how she was actually smart and you went on about her opinions on things. I never heard you talk about another girl like that. Then that day I called and we were just chatting and you mentioned that you were going to hang with her and i asked what you meant if it was a date and you said you didn’t know maybe. I once asked you if u would consider dating her and you said you would then later claimed that you would consider dating anyone but knowing the person you are…..that is so far from the truth. you’re not one to have ever just randomly chose a girl. Just typing this my heart is cracking and reopening all over again like nothing has changed. That day you just didn’t stick up for me then you go out with her literally the next day after I sat on your lap and cried so hard that day. You didn’t care about any of that. We never found out who that jacket belonged to and its not like Idk. But you think I don’t know and you’re okay with that. I have a hard time letting go of the fact that you lied, you still lie, and you allowed me to live in hell for so long without anything after you promised me the somethings you’re promising me right now. How am I suppose to believe you? How are you suppose to trust me? Everything feels perfect in your arms but lately something has been grabbing me. I just want the truth so bad.
You think I don’t see the gaps in your conversations? You think everything is okay but it can’t be because you won’t give me what I need to let go of the past.
I wish she gave you the opportunity. I wish your friend didn’t want her. I wish you had the full, blinded, chance with her so I could know once and for all the truth.
Now all I want is for you to go out with me and party. Drink and dance and maybe make out in the corner swept away in lust and passion and yeah maybe it sounds silly but i want that moment with you but you will never give it to me. I don’t make you feel that way. In a way, I think I sucked the fun out of you. I showed you heartache for the first time, I showed you deceit, and I made you want to settle down and be real. I do want you forever but I don’t want everything to be so serious, so tamed. It hurts when I saw a picture today that was taken at a party you were at after we broke up. I wish I was there with you so badly. It hurts so much that i never get to truly experience that with you now.
I listen to these songs and still cry just as much and wish you never left the way you did. I wish I never did the things I did. I wish you didn’t take my innocence and show me the other side to the fairy tale. I wish I could look into your eyes and believe like I use to but it hurts. It doesn’t matter if it was one stupid girl or a million. One is a million in my heart. This isn’t me. I’m still that 18 year old girl that was walking so proud next to you, That brought you to that dance, That came down the stairs in my gown for prom and layed on the hood of your jeep staring at the stars with you. I’m still dying inside everytime I think of the moment when I started to lose you. I just still want everynight to be that saturday night baby when I laid wrapped in your Ramones hoodie sleeping or New Year’s when you wiped the hair from my eyes and told me I looked like an angel sleeping. Maybe it’s just that so much has happened but I just don’t feel like we have that anymore. That feeling where it was only about us. That feeling where we could both believe with everything inside with limitation. I want that back. I wanna dance in the snow again and not care how wet our feet are instead of hiding inside. I want you to kiss me under the snowflakes again. I wanna feel it all again. I never wanna lose that spark baby, Not just sexually. Just just hearing your voice on the phone or doing something so small like taking a walk and talking. I want us baby 10/16/2009